My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
You Might Also Like
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Meeeee too!
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”