Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
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New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”