Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
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As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex