Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
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Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.