*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
You Might Also Like
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings