Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
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[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af