SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
You Might Also Like
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.