Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
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The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.