My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
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Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Noted.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
called in thicc to work this morning
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
work smarter, not harder
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Terribly Tuesday.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.