My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
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[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Found my door mat
Meow
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?