My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
*limbos under the caution tape
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle