Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
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Bout to have the best sleep of my life
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
When libraries troll their patrons.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s