If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
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Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.