Flowers bee like
You Might Also Like
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
“HELP WITH CAT”
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ