“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
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6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!