Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
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Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Lmao
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
the #horror is real!
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.