Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
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“no dont leave”
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Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
become ungovernable
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.