Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
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Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal