The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
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I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
No, YOUR illiterate.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.