Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
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[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!