Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
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Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”