Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
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tinder profile where the fish is holding me
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking