If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
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Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am