There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
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I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.