[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
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My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
That’s what I call a flat tire
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.