[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
You Might Also Like
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼