[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
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Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*