I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
#ProTip
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
📽️movie date🎞️
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.