I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I’m putting together a team
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
There is no “ea” in Tim.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate