I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
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*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
The point of your 20s
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?