Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
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Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.