[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
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If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments