If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
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girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things