Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
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Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes