When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
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If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?