Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
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If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.