*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
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I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Velcrow
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
it’s a van. how do they not know this
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.