Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
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*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
they finally got him. they got macavity
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
being a writer on Twitter: