I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
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Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
A French press is when you hug naked
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW