At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
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ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
this… may be the greatest story ever told
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*