My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
You Might Also Like
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
birds and squirrels envy us
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know