Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
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Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
When the stylist spins you back around
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?