opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
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Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume