Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
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“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]