“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
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[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
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