Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
You Might Also Like
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?