If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
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I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?