Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
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Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*