I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
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*names my little horse OneTrick*
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”