Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
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Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.